March 20th, 2020 | Nonsense
To our [COMPANY NAME] Family,
At [COMPANY NAME], we are first and foremost humans that are concerned with maintaining the humanness of our humanity, in a humane way. Our customers are not just numbers to us; they are our family, our friends, our service workers, and the people we ignore in public while walking into Starbucks.
We know times are tough. With this in mind, we are making a few changes to how [COMPANY NAME] will operate going forward:
- We will continue to charge you $59.99 per month for access to all of our services. We feel this is fair because after confirming it with finance, our CEO has determined that he is still able to retain enough business to meet the criteria for his annual bonus. This must be protected at all costs.
- We have advised all our staff to work from home. Those who cannot work from home are asked to continue coming into the office and working, unless they are showing any symptoms of being sick. Any sick workers will be fired without severance. During these trying times, we must make sure that those who do not support our dystopic vision forward are thrown against the wall.
- For an indefinite amount of time, we have decided to allow all upper level management to be relieved of their duties while receiving a $5,000 per week stipend. As you can tell, many of our executives are making a significant sacrifice with this decision, but we believe in the progress that [COMPANY NAME] can make by taking this next step forward. This action was voted upon only by upper level management.
- We have made a small donation to Habitat for Humanity, unrelated to COVID-19.
- Starting today, we will begin sending daily emails to you that are vague in nature but still claim we are doing lots of meaningful work to help during this time of crisis. It's important that we virtue signal the shit out of this pandemic so that whenever things return to a normal state, no one questions why we did so little despite the immense amount of power and money at our disposal.
Please, stay the fuck away from us, you shit-stained morons. If you didn't want to be threatened by disease and market collapse, you shouldn't have been so fucking poor.
The Entire [COMPANY NAME] Staff